I'm face to face with myself
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I'm face to face with myself
van Adrian Parker wo jan 02 2019, 23:56
WARNING: beschrijving van een fictieve angstaanval in context van agorafobie (angst voor drukte). Open voor wie zich aangesproken voelt, anders is dit een stand-alone post.
It was Sunday morning, last day of the Christmas holidays. It had been quiet in Hogwarts the last two weeks. A lot of students went back home for the holidays, to spend it with their parents or family. Adrian had been at home for a week and had returned Saturday. Being at home had calmed him down a bit. But that also meant that returning would be even harder. He noticed that now, at breakfast in the Great Hall. Almost all tables were full of students, everybody talking and laughing with their comrades, telling stories what they had done with Christmas. The Slytherin could feel his neighbor sitting too close to him. He could feel the Ravenclaw students behind him, as they sat only centimeters from his back. The boy in front of him starting laughing loudly and the boy at the right of him bumped against his elbow. He tried to stay calm and eat. But his food stayed in his mouth way too long and everything started to turn. The voices started to sound heavier and slower. With a deep breath Adrian left the Slytherin table and got out of the Great Hall.
With heavy breathes the boy walked down the path on Hogwarts Grounds. He had been having these uncomfortable moment more then he liked to admit. Ever since he started his sixth year they were more common and heavier than before. It had been a weird year anyway. He had met more people than in all of his previous years. He already got detention twice. And to add to that all, he went to the Winter Ball with Eris. That may have been the best and worst decision he had made all that year. He had made, what he believed to be, a great friend. So that wasn’t bad, at all. But it had made him nervous. He had been at the Ball, what may be the worst time and place for someone with his condition. The boy didn’t like to admit, but he has been having nightmares that woke him up in the middle of the night. He had tried to fall back asleep but they kept returning. They were always the same. He would be back in the Great Hall, crowded. At first it would just be like at the Ball. Some music playing, people laughing and dancing. But the music would slow down and get heavier. The people their faces would go blank, like they didn’t have any face. They would get closer to him and a heavy, anxious feeling would get to him. He would scream but his voice would let him down. He would want to run away but he would be frozen to his place. And the faceless people would get closer and closer, in an endless spiral until he would wake up.
The nightmares had made him anxious to sleep. He had hoped they would reduce when he got home but he was wrong. His parents had noticed he was weary. Of course they would notice. They were the only people who actually knew him. Adrian had always had a great bond with his adoptive parents. They knew about his agoraphobia and tried everything they could to help him. After two sleepless nights his dad had come to him, asking him what was wrong. The boy had talked for hours. Telling him everything, from the nightmares to the ball. About the people he had met, the fact he wanted to join the Quidditch team and his dream about becoming a professor. And his father had listened to every word he had said, just nodding and being silent. When the boy had finished his father had put his hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m glad you want to get out of your personal bubble. But don’t try to do everything at once. You’ll get there at your own pace and own standards”. He had looked him in the eye with a glance full of understanding. Adrian just had smiled and thanked him. He was still lost but glad his father understood him.
Adrian put his scarf closer around his neck and buried his mouth and nose in it. He barely noticed his toes were freezing and the pipes of his pants got wet because of the snow. Some students were playing outside but he walked past all of them. His feet brought him closer to the Forbidden Forest, knowing it would be silent over there. It would be the first time since school started that he would return to the forest. He speed up his pace, making the distance between him and the other students bigger. The Forbidden Forest peered up like a black mass consisted out of trees. If one looked too long to the edges of the forest, you may see a couple of eyes glowing. The darkness and peace had attracted the boy since his first year. When he had it difficult and needed some fresh air, he would go to the forest. He never understood why people were scared of it. In all his years he had never seen something that might be dangerous. In the meantime he had reached the tree border. He waited for a second before walking deeper into the forest.
Adrian never walked too far into the woods. He knew some creatures living in the woods and he would rather not enter their territory. At a fallen trunk he stopped and sat down, his face in his palms. Now that he was alone he let out a scream until his throat felt sore. He started trembling, not because of the cold. Several curses left his lips while taking heavy breaths. After several minutes he sat down on the ground, slightly shaking. He recovered and leaned against the trunk, his eyes pointed to the tops of the trees. He couldn’t see the sky. His eyes were burning because of the salty tears. The boy felt like puking but he didn’t. He took a final deep breath before getting back up, realizing his bottom felt like ice because of the cold ground. “It will get better”, he encouraged himself. “It always get better”, he whispered while closing his eyes, afraid to see the faceless people. But he only saw darkness.
MONTY
It matters not what someone is born,but what they grow to be
With heavy breathes the boy walked down the path on Hogwarts Grounds. He had been having these uncomfortable moment more then he liked to admit. Ever since he started his sixth year they were more common and heavier than before. It had been a weird year anyway. He had met more people than in all of his previous years. He already got detention twice. And to add to that all, he went to the Winter Ball with Eris. That may have been the best and worst decision he had made all that year. He had made, what he believed to be, a great friend. So that wasn’t bad, at all. But it had made him nervous. He had been at the Ball, what may be the worst time and place for someone with his condition. The boy didn’t like to admit, but he has been having nightmares that woke him up in the middle of the night. He had tried to fall back asleep but they kept returning. They were always the same. He would be back in the Great Hall, crowded. At first it would just be like at the Ball. Some music playing, people laughing and dancing. But the music would slow down and get heavier. The people their faces would go blank, like they didn’t have any face. They would get closer to him and a heavy, anxious feeling would get to him. He would scream but his voice would let him down. He would want to run away but he would be frozen to his place. And the faceless people would get closer and closer, in an endless spiral until he would wake up.
The nightmares had made him anxious to sleep. He had hoped they would reduce when he got home but he was wrong. His parents had noticed he was weary. Of course they would notice. They were the only people who actually knew him. Adrian had always had a great bond with his adoptive parents. They knew about his agoraphobia and tried everything they could to help him. After two sleepless nights his dad had come to him, asking him what was wrong. The boy had talked for hours. Telling him everything, from the nightmares to the ball. About the people he had met, the fact he wanted to join the Quidditch team and his dream about becoming a professor. And his father had listened to every word he had said, just nodding and being silent. When the boy had finished his father had put his hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m glad you want to get out of your personal bubble. But don’t try to do everything at once. You’ll get there at your own pace and own standards”. He had looked him in the eye with a glance full of understanding. Adrian just had smiled and thanked him. He was still lost but glad his father understood him.
Adrian put his scarf closer around his neck and buried his mouth and nose in it. He barely noticed his toes were freezing and the pipes of his pants got wet because of the snow. Some students were playing outside but he walked past all of them. His feet brought him closer to the Forbidden Forest, knowing it would be silent over there. It would be the first time since school started that he would return to the forest. He speed up his pace, making the distance between him and the other students bigger. The Forbidden Forest peered up like a black mass consisted out of trees. If one looked too long to the edges of the forest, you may see a couple of eyes glowing. The darkness and peace had attracted the boy since his first year. When he had it difficult and needed some fresh air, he would go to the forest. He never understood why people were scared of it. In all his years he had never seen something that might be dangerous. In the meantime he had reached the tree border. He waited for a second before walking deeper into the forest.
Adrian never walked too far into the woods. He knew some creatures living in the woods and he would rather not enter their territory. At a fallen trunk he stopped and sat down, his face in his palms. Now that he was alone he let out a scream until his throat felt sore. He started trembling, not because of the cold. Several curses left his lips while taking heavy breaths. After several minutes he sat down on the ground, slightly shaking. He recovered and leaned against the trunk, his eyes pointed to the tops of the trees. He couldn’t see the sky. His eyes were burning because of the salty tears. The boy felt like puking but he didn’t. He took a final deep breath before getting back up, realizing his bottom felt like ice because of the cold ground. “It will get better”, he encouraged himself. “It always get better”, he whispered while closing his eyes, afraid to see the faceless people. But he only saw darkness.
Adrian Parker
Slytherin Student
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